My First Girdle

Last night, I bought my first girdle. In fact, I think that’s what it was called: “My First Girdle.” Actually, it had a more clandestine name like “Waist Nipper” or “Middle Whittler” or something. I discovered that girdles are not just for old ladies.

I was looking for an undergarment to wear under a silky, slinky formal gown I am wearing to Mike’s Barristers’ Ball. It’s a recycled gown; I wore it to one of his USMC Birthday Balls. It’s gorgeous, but the silky fabric shows every bump. Last time I wore it, I couldn’t find a pair of underwear that didn’t show through, so I went commando. I felt a little exposed. Additionally, with no underwear or pantyhose to "pack me in," I had to spend the entire evening sucking in my stomach so that I wouldn't have an unsightly bulge. I was in serious gastrointestinal pain by the end of the night. Now that I live in the land of shopping malls, I journeyed forth to find appropriate underwear. Ideally, I was looking for a full body, strapless, shaping slip. Smooth, seamless, support.

I tried Dillard’s first. Although they had some fabulous shoes on sale, the formal undergarment section didn’t have anything that would work. Next, I went to JC Penney, where I found the slip and a girdle and GIANT underpants (i.e. bike short underwear). The only problem was that most of the garments were in sizes L, XL, 1X, 2X, 3X, and so on. Mediums were rare and Smalls almost nonexistent. After digging through the racks, I managed to find some appropriately sized underwear and took my booty to the dressing room.

The slip, while good in theory, was a disaster. It didn’t create a desirable shape. Instead, it smooshed my boobs, inhibited my walk, and did not flatten my stomach. Next, I tried on the girdle. I was a little afraid of something that fastens with 1,000 hooks, but it went on surprisingly fast. I looked incredible! I had a waist! No wonder these things were once so popular. It was sexy too, in a bondage sort of way. After admiring myself for a full five minutes, I took it off and tried on the first pair of giant underpants. They extended from just beneath my bra to mid-thigh. While the shaping was good, the quilted “control panels” were sure to show through the dress. The second pair of bike shorts had less obvious quilting, but weren’t quite as giant (in this case, "giant" is good). I debated between the sexy girdle and the giant underpants. Unsure as to which would be the least noticeable under the dress, I bought them both, with the intent of returning the loser.

Once home, I snapped the fabulous girdle on again and slipped into my dress. Unfortunately, the girdle boning was obvious through the gown. It was cool in a Seven-of-Nine sort of way, but I am not attending a Borg Ball. The bike shorts, while not attractive, were perfect under the dress.

I’ll be returning “My First Girdle” and wearing giant underpants to the ball. I am going to need some really sexy shoes to make me feel good about what I’m wearing under my gown.